The war is the drum. It beats a retreat, a mass exodus from civilization.

The whole thing is falling in and burying us. The world trade center keeps falling and burning. It just won't stop. Does it know no end? Its wreckage spanning from New York to Afghanistan. From Iraq to Madrid and back again. Never letting the dust settle and finally stopping.

We never blame the victims. But who else is left after it's all said and done? If it's ever all said and done. Who is left unmaimed and unaffected? Who will escape our history? Whose name will be set aside? I've never seen in the foot notes of this war that has been in continuation since before we thought to keep score, an exception. A name, a person, that is not among those whose life was ultimately sacrificed in the name of a victory that we can't even describe. A person who lived as if the world was well.

We all fight and sacrifice and we all seem to be losing. It's not that we can not see the beginning, how it all started. It's that we can not see the end. We can't imagine the world well.

When I have nothing else to write I write about some guy I just met.

His name was Victor.

He was clean in every way I could imagine. His hair was combed and pomaded, his clothes were new and pressed, his face smooth and his skin tight against it. No wrinkles betrayed his age, but his jaw line and gray chest hair, which I swear was combed as well as his the hair on his head, put him at about 45 - 50. The fact that he was so well kept suggest to me that I should add ten years to that though.

He was wearing a jersey of some sort. I couldn't place the team or even the sport. If I had to guess I would say hockey and a team with a pirate name. The neck line dipped just south of style and into machismo territory. He smelled strongly, but not to strongly, of cologne. Everything about him said he wanted you to know he was there but not want him to leave. The only people of similar quality I can think of are barbers. The kind that still had red and white poles in front of their strip mall addresses and called hair cuts by the names of stars from the 50s and 60s that had last sported them.

He was looking at the apartment for rent next door. He had come to check out the neighborhood. It was 6:20 in the morning and I just happen to be stand there conversing with a friend. I'll never judge a man poorly when he walks up and shakes my hand and starts a conversation. No matter what his politics are or beliefs may be. That's enough to give him a certain amount of respect. Victor did this promptly after a moderately formal look in my direction. I nodded in recognition and that was all he need.

We spoke briefly about the 'element' in the neighborhood. I'm not sure what element he was referring to but assured him that what ever contingent of it was here was harmless. We bantered a bit about worse places and I glean that he was moving away from some of the 'element' that had taken root where he lived.

He left myself and my friend there, heading to his car. We we're silent for a moment and fell into some conspicuously inoffensive overt chit-chat about the weather until I heard his car door slam. My first unguarded statement was something to the effect that he was the cleanest person I'd ever seen. A few moments later victor drove off, with a wave and tentative right on to a street he wasn't too sure about.

A cast of characters -

The Hero:
The Hero always comes out on top. He may start out on the bottom, start out weak, start out outnumbered and unloved. Often the Heroes endurance of his weakness is his strength. A strength that is hidden or unrealized or that seems insufficient against the forces he must face. However, one way or another, he always wins.

He may die, he may lose everything and everyone he cares for or he may win everything he wanted. He may win for himself or simply win over his foe denying evil it's victory. Even in death, his sacrifice assures the Villain will fail. His devious or selfish aspirations ruined.

In those cases where the Villain is not a clearly defined person or group the Hero must win against himself. Overcoming his own fears, prejudice or circumstances. However, the Heroes victory is sweetest when it's both a victory for himself and against a villain. When he must over come his own weaknesses in order to thwart the Villain.

The Hero is what we feel we are capable of - but know we are not. What we imagine and wish ourselves to be as we close our eyes at night.

The Sidekick:
The Sidekick is the heroes biggest fan. In finding no true fault with the hero and believing in him more then the Hero even believes in himself, he validates our hope that others will see us as similarly heroic people inspite of our own selfdoubt.

The Sidekick is clumsy and tactless but more importantly a naive and therefore better judge of people. The Hero is often vaguely Fascist but the Sidekick sees the best in him.

The Advocate:
The Advocate expresses what we feel about the world of the story. They are a familiar face that while almost exposing the story as a fabrication actually draw us further in. They steal a glance toward the audience or speak as if to the reader. They confirm that indeed, while the story may be unbelievable, it's really happening.

They're often the Heroes confidant. They may be his subordinate, one who is far more capable but some how lacking that little bit of something that sees the hero though his adventures. That unknowable quality that is conveniently hidden in ourselves. They may be his superior, who respects the hero but also envy's him. While we can recognize our own petty enemies in these characters, whom we wish we could get the better of, we're really recognizing ourselves and the very things the Hero supplants with in us.

The Advocate doesn't need to be a certain character at all but can be this spirit jumping from one character to another or only appearing when necessary. Expressing within the story what we would feel if we were actually there. They represent our world, outside of the story. The Advocate is us.

The Villain:
The villain drives the hero and punishes him. He attempts to crush the hero, mocks the Advocate and fears the Sidekicks irrepressible faith. What the Villain wants more then anything is to expose our weakness by exposing the Heroes weakness. The Villain is our doubt and lashes out at us and for us.

He gives the Hero purpose and makes us want to be better people in spite of him. Then he punishes the Hero for being what we can not be. Inevitably the Hero will not only beat the Villain but by doing so will show us what we are capable of, thus defeating our doubts as well.

When I have nothing else to write I write fake interviews, loosely based on movies from the 90's, with supernatural creatures.

Another interview with a vampire:

< begin tape >

Okay, it's 2:20 am. Monday. I've been asked to not mention names, the date or location. I'm recording now and sitting with "Mr. D". Are you ready, Mr. D?

Yes, I'm ready.

I met you just this evening and it was you who suggested this interview, correct.

Yes. You were working on a story about, as your notes read "supposed real vampires" and I recognized one of the names in your notes.

From across the room.

I was being nosey.

Okay. I didn't really have any time to prepare for this but I'm sure I can think of some questions to ask you. First off have you read "Interview with a Vampire"?

I've seen the movie, but I never really read the book.

I suppose we can start off with that then. Do you have any comments about the movie?

It's all lies. I mean it's obviously just inspired by those New Orleans people. They have a whole scene of their own. They're a criminal conspiracy you know. Like the mob or something.

I've been down there. I met with some people and they got spooky when I mentioned that book.

It's a big thing. They have all this supposed credibility because of that, but it's really not true. Most of it is not true.

Tell me what it's like to be a vampire. Wait, first for the record, do you claim to be a vampire?

Yes. I am a vampire and I have been for 273 years. I don't remember much past the 30s a little after I returned to America. I went through a very bad experience and I've had trouble remembering much past then.

You won't find anyone with a memory past maybe a couple hundred years though. You just forget things at that point. You can almost feel memories being lost to new experiences. But certain things I remember clearly, just not the context of those events and many others I'm not sure about. They're like dreams.

So you can't tell me what it was like during the early parts of the American revolution then?

No, not as far as specific events. But I do remember certain impressions about it. I was still young in vampire terms and didn't really care about that sort of stuff. Human goings-on. I've become much more adjusted just in the past 40 years. I feel more like a normal person.

Do you remember being... I'm not sure what you call it. Turned into a vampire.

No. I know I wasn't always one, and I have memories of being confused about it. I remember vividly being shot by a farmer, it's one of my earliest clear memories. I don't remember when it happened or why though.

Okay, so tell me what it's like right now for you. In the modern world.

It's very odd because so many people know about vampires but don't think we're real. It's odder for me that people even have the idea of vampires in their minds, but I can see how it would be really strange for someone if they knew about vampires and then to be turned into one. I feel like I have always been one. But I've gotten over the whole god phase.

I just feel like a normal guy now. Albeit with certain differences. I do feel detached from other people, I feel a distance. I have a wider perspective I guess. But it's not something I think about. I just don't go out in the day and I have things I can't eat.

On an everyday level, what's it like to be a vampire?

The world is not made for vampires. So it can be like having a disability. I normally like to live somewhere better for a night life. I lived in Las Vegas for a long time. It's perfect for vampires and a lot of us live there or have lived there. We're charmed so we, or at least I did, live off of gambling. Things are open at night and there's a lot of other vampires there so we have our own community.

New Orleans and the South is like that too, with a lot of vampires, but they have their own thing going that's just not my scene. Paris, Anchorage. I shouldn't say too much, but those places are well know to have vampire communities. Anchorage not so much in the summer of course. It's a seasonal place for a lot of vampires.

What about where you are now?

Right, that's what I started out saying. Right now I live in this little town. Small city. Whatever. I'm here really because of another person and I don't like it here at all. It's an endless annoyance because there aren't many 24 hour stores. Just one actually. And it's a pain with traffic lights because when I'm driving there is no traffic to speak of so I feel like "What are these lights for... There's never any traffic." Then I remember that there probably is traffic in the day. Forget about jobs at night, I've been doing telemarketing just because I can do it from home. Again, It's like being disabled because there just aren't convenient services for me here.

Do you feed on people?

No. Really it's sick to do that. I admit that I have but I don't now for a lot of reasons. Humans don't taste good. Their blood is fucked up and nasty. Okay, this is something that is very controversial with vampires but vampires don't need to drink blood. We have to eat meat because we're carnivores but those vampires that try to live on blood especially human blood get really weak and overly pale. I guess like your stereotypical movie vampire except in the moves they're always strong. Vampires that eat fresh raw meat are strong and not so pale. We're predators but not like humans who are on the border of predators, scavengers and prey.

The controversy is that some vampires think we should only drink human blood and maybe eat human flesh. But I can tell you that those guys are wrong. That's the Louisiana scene. Really the whole South down to the Everglades they eat people and are really into that whole "we are like gods" thing. In the Western US here and really Europe and like, Eurasia its not like that. in Africa it's weird. They have a really big vampire society that tries to control the government and they eat people as well as other animals. A lot of Africans know about vampires but they have their own spin on it. Northern America, the US in particular is different though. In the Mid-West and further west like Vegas or California, it's laid back. We're not killing people, flying around with machine guns like they do in Africa or trying to be man hunters like in the South.

Oh, South America. I forgot about them. They're interesting because they're under the impression that Vampirism is kind of like a virus or is latently genetic and evolutionarily advantageous. They've got their whole scientific thing out there.

I had no idea. This is really amazing. What about Japan or Central Asia?

I really don't know. If the media is any example, the movies and cartoons they have. I don't know, extrapolating the way we're represented here then I guess in Japan there are probably a lot of vampires and... Well I don't have much to say because I don't know. I've met Japanese vampires though.

Where did vampires come from?

Again, I don't know. This is also controversial but I think the South American theory is the most reasonable.

What I can tell you is it feels a certain way to be a vampire. I'm very aware of my body and of other peoples body language. Very aware. Animals body language. I can tell when something in injured or weak or if they are aware of me. I'm very aware of things going on around me.

Maybe vampires aren't the next step in evolution but a step behind. Even though I like the South American thing, I don't think that it's advantageous for a species to be immortal even though it is good for the individual.

Does the sun burn you?

The sun? Yes but it doesn't kill me. I was trapped out in the day once and I burned up just like in the movies. But when it was done I recovered. I don't burn like that now but it still hurts. So if I have to go out I wear long sleeves and gloves and run or keep to the shade. It's hurts but I do it every now and then if I have to pay bills where I actually have to go out to do it during normal business hours.

Crosses? Holy water?

No, we're not demons or anything like that.

Can you be killed?

Oh yeah. I've seen it. Enough physical trauma will do it. Doesn't have to be to the heart or anything. I'm not an expert there but I have heard that we can take quite a bit but there is a limit. I've fallen long distances and been hit by trains. I was shot by that farmer and I've been burned pretty bad in several fires. I heal in a few days or sometimes weeks. I don't know, I've been crushed and stabbed.

I've seen dead vampires and I've also seen them, with their head severed, still live for days until their heads could be reattached.

What about magic?

Well there's that charmed thing. I'm, I mean, we're all really lucky. Pick a number between 1 and anything.

Okay.

I'll just say the numbers in order. 6. 5. 2. 8. 8. 1. 9. 0. 5. 1. 2. So what's that Sixtyfive billion, Two hundred and Eightyeight million, One hundred and Ninety thousand, Five hundred and twelve.

Yes. That's amazing. How'd you know?

I didn't. I just said some numbers and they happen to be right. But they always happen to be right. So is that magic? I don't know. I can fly. I just go in the direction I want, I guess I flex near my abdomen and it just happens. It's just like walking for me.

Turn into a bat?

No. That bat shit is just because of the teeth. Which I also don't have. My teeth are sharper then yours, probably. I can open my mouth much wider then you can. I've never heard of any vampire being able to turn into a bat. In Africa they say the vampires turn into animals but I don't believe it. Superstition.

Okay, can you see in the dark?

These are all the basics... I can see very well in the dark. I can see very well even in almost pitch black rooms.

Will vampires ever be recognized as real by the mainstream populace?

I don't think so. I wouldn't really want us to be. We're really better off this way. We have our own thing going and it's good because we don't have people trying to influence us all the time. Trying to get the vampire market or the vampire vote.

Sunny Delight. I've heard that Sunny Delight was actually marketed to vampires somehow. It's a bit of folklore but supposedly the guy who created Sunny Delight, the marketing of it, was a vampire.

You hear stuff like that though. Like Jay Leno is a vampire or Underworld used vampires as extras. It's usually not true. Jay Leno does move like a vampire though so that's probably how it got started, but I've seen pictures of him out in the day.

How do vampires communicate? It seems like you are actively part of a larger community.

We use the Internet now, but before it was news passed between different groups by word of mouth and letters. Before the Net it was very intimate. You had to know people to keep informed. Now things are very different and a lot is changing. Before only the really hardcore types were organized so they set the tone for everyone else as information and lore trickled down.

Now there is a lot more support for people like me who are not part of these vampire nations or tribes or what have you. A lot of us just want to have a simple life and aren't interested in the rituals and what not.

Well, thank you Mr. D. I'm sure many of our readers will be intrigued by our interview. Before I turn this thing off, If someone wanted to become a vampire how should they go about it?

I have to say this in all seriousness. I've seen people bitten and they have about a 50/50 chance of dying. But first, if you want to take the risk you have to find a vampire. If you find one that is likely to bit you they are just as likely to kill you. No one is really looking to make more vampires. There was a time when vampires were made because vampires needed other vampires to survive. Power in numbers. But now it doesn't really happen. Maybe in the case of a vampire who is in love with a human.

It's considered very taboo to make new vampires though. Some vampires take it very seriously and there are these really traditionalist style vampires who kill young vampires and the ones that made them to keep the population from exploding.

Well, this sounds like a whole new interview. I'm going to go ahead and stop the tape now unless there is anything you'd like to add.

No, but maybe we can do this again when you're more prepared. I'd love to go into more detail.

I would enjoy that.

< end tape >

When I have nothing else to write I write a fake account of some guys boring day.

A day.

Eyes. eyes. eyes.

Hit the alarm, again. Dreaming. Still. Cough.

I'm 30 years old. It's morning. I'm 30 years old and I feel sick to my stomach. I'm 30 years old and I feel like I'm going to school. The money isn't enough, work still feels like school.

Stretching, God. "I feel like God loves me" when I stretch. Okay. "I'm talking to myself again".

It's not morning. It can't be. It's too dark. It's morning in a box. My life is a box. No, my life is in a box. I'm a hamster or five dollar rat. I live in a box with holes cut in the sides.

"Okay, take a shower". Take a shower. The water is hot but makes me feel cold. I ache for a bit. It's not in my head but more then just my muscles ache. I'm suddenly irrationally happy. "I'm so fucking happy". Mornings are manic depressive.

"Get dressed". I feel sick. My clothes are too dry. I wish I lived in the ocean. If I only had time to... something. I don't know. It's the morning talking. Drive to work. Tomorrow, I'm already dreading tomorrow. Why do I do this. What's on the radio. No, I can't bare it again. No radio.

I'm not sad enough to take action.

Convenience store, litter of soda, health bar - the new donut. Stop light. Air conditioner. stop light. Suffocating. stop light. Roll the window down. Nothing helps. Panic, sick to my stomach. Parking space. "I don't want to go to school today". parking space. "The money's not enough". parking space.

I'm starting to feel better. The "no tailgating - each person must use their own access card" sign cheers me up. Swipe in. Push the door open. Am I weak or is the door just heavier then it looks. It's always heavier then it looks.

Hallway. Elevator. Hallway. Cubical. Chair.

Booting. Slumped, waiting. Phone. No messages. My head is starting to swim. I can't wait until noon. I always feel better around noon.

My brain starts to wind up. I've got to figure out what to do today. I'll be fired. God that doesn't sound too bad. I'll have to find a new job. That sounds bad. Maybe I'll have email. Maybe it will give me direction.

Six new mails. Things to do. I feel calm suddenly. I can stretch this out, I'll have something to do all day. Even a good amount for tomorrow. It's all easy and simple. Maybe I can drum up enough work for the whole week. Then I wouldn't have to worry. Tomorrow seems brighter.

A meeting? I can't handle a meeting today. Then again it will burn an hour or so. Maybe it will go into lunch. We can go out to that stupid place again. Be a team. "Okay, email". Three of them are about work, one about viagra, two about someone else's work.

Make a list, structure. I need structure otherwise I'll break down here. I feel desperate and the only thing that makes me feel better is to know what I have to do "for as long into the future as possible". For at least a week.

My mind is wandering. I'm not a spy, this is really my life. My brain is kicking in now. I remember my soda.

Okay, send off a few mails, get some work flowing my way. Don't take on anything difficult, just enough. Get to the mail I already have. "This will take me an hour and a half". Add features, add copy, verifiable work. Another mail, tell them what you've done. Hit send. My mail is witty, kind of. Stupid, kind of. Direct, a little. Wait for a reply. wait for a reply. wait for a reply. A thank you. Good. Even though they didn't comment on my witticism or attempt to match it.

Time to walk around a bit. Advertise my existence, check out the cute girl. Don't say anything, you'll look like a creepy molester. "I'm a creepy molester". Here comes the sexual fantasy. It's about holding her. A relationship fantasy. "I'm a creepy desperate man". Stop leering. Turn it into sex, this cuddling shit is depressing. "Who cares anyway". Beautiful denial. She says hi. Be cool. "Hey", walk by. Well, nondescript is closer to cool anyway.

How did I manage to walk around for 20 minutes. Back to work. Stare at email number two. Email number twwooo. Make this take half an hour. Send an email. Not witty, maybe with a slightly surreal tone to it. Channel a homeless man, channel a lunatic, channel the madness that is eating you. Waiting for a reply. waiting for a replay. Screw it. Email number three. Ah, calmness. This is the rest of my day.

A new email, this one is the grail. Big project, or that's what they think. Don't correct them. Needed by Monday of next week. I feel fantastic. I could have my whole week right here but it'll only take me most of a day. Stretch it out.

Noon. Finally. "Almost home". Almost home.

I feel a longing. Longing for what? Longing. longing. Bathroom. Yes, during lunch when the office is mostly empty, before the post lunch rush. The bathroom smells like bleach and magazine perfume. A copy of Maxim, Wired, Networking world, Time and Runner. Pictures of far away places. How to be a pirate, Disneyland's new closed circuit TV system, SCO, war and executives on treadmills. Someone put some potpourri out. I can't really smell it. Maybe I should get some for my bathroom.

I feel better. No more longing. Back to work. Web browsing. Blow a few hours. Keep a good site open, in case someone walks by. The company web page, not the home page. Too obvious. Dig a few pages in. There, a page about our new products. The perfect crime.

Time flies. I hear chatter. It must be nearing 3 o'clock I hear 'Friends', 'traffic', 'kids', 'HBO', 'Yahoo news', 'Survivor'. I walk up, not to close. Do I see any one I'm comfortable with. Yes, a friendly face. I jump in. I make a strange comment, not to crude, not yet. I interject derailing color commentary. I make people feel uncomfortable. The guy in the turtle neck appreciates it. He must secretly hate them all too. We conspire with glances, but not to much. Can't trust him. The cute girl is walking up. Her face says I want in. I stop talking. I get some inspiration, speak up. Too crude. Damn. "I'm a creepy bitter serial conversation killer". Such is life. Beautiful indulgence.

Office talk can only last so long. Not too long, you'll be slacking. Not to short, you'll be dull.

It's late in the day. More email. Viagra again, mortgage, work from home. I'm an impotent, desperate home owner who longs for the freedom of a disabled shut in. Send email, make them believe you've been working. Subtle, cautious, the art of office politics. Make them believe. Read new email. Confuse them, misunderstand on purpose. Be wary of their traps. I feel my gut tighten, I waited to long to read my mail. There might be last minute work. I can't stay late. I'll die. It's a matter of life and death. Why won't anyone help me. I'm drowning, I'm loosing myself, I'm always scared and alone. No, no last minute work. Never mind. I feel better now. Vindicated, like life is bowing and giving me a pass.

Almost time to go home. Slump in the chair. Try to disappear. "Almost time to go home".

Get in car. Smell that. It smells like the drive home. Fresh sunbaked vinyl and cloth. Breath it in. Wait behind co-workers cars turning left ahead of you. I don't recognize them. Hit the road. Stop light. stop light. stop light. Burger King. Two Whoppers, Large fries. Smell that. It smells like the living room 10 minutes from now.

Turn on the TV, the screen is dusty, it crackles and the dust disappears as the news comes on. I have to find something to watch so I can eat. I'm hungry. The tail end of some show about Gangs on HBO.

"Good enough". This isn't enough.